Funny New Employee Handbook

Re: DRESS CODE:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according
to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada
sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are
doing well financially and therefore you do not need a

raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to
manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer
clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you
dress in-between, you are right where you
need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Re: SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof
of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you
are able to come to work.

Re: SURGERY:

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an
employee here, you need all your organs. You should
not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
To have something removed constitutes a breach of
employment.

Re: PERSONAL DAYS:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturday &Sunday.

Re: VACATION DAYS:

All employees will take their vacation at the same
time every year. The vacation days are as follows:
Jan. 1, July 4, & Dec. 25

Re: ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we
require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty
to train your own replacement.

Re: RESTROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.
In the future, we will follow the practice of going in
alphabetical Order. For instance, all employees whose
names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:20,
employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:20
to 8:40 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your
allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the
next day when your turn comes again. In extreme
emergencies, employees may swap their time with a
coworker. Both employees’ supervisors must approve
this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a
strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end
of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet
paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and
a picture will be taken. After your second offense,
your picture will be posted on the company bulletin
board under the “Chronic Offenders” category.

Re: LUNCH BREAK:

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they
need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal
size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced
meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get
5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed
to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here
to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplations, consternation and input should be
directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.
Management